Your Voice – and how to USE it!

I’m familiar with the feeling you get in your stomach, that gut wrenching, nauseous feeling when you should have spoken up for yourself or someone else and didn’t. I know what it’s like to replay the conversation in your head with everything you COULD have said, but didn’t. I then know how you beat yourself up, tear yourself down, make yourself wrong for not doing that OR saying “well, I was the one wrong anyway” or “it will get better” or “I will say something next time” or “I’m not worth standing up for.”

I’ve been there, I know. And, I’m so happy to say, I’m not there anymore.

These 3 resources changed my life and my communication:

1. The Landmark Forum
2. Nonviolent Communication (here’s a link to the book.)
3. Supportive people who hold the space for me.

I finally was tired of feeling like I wasn’t enough. I started believing I was worth it. I began taking risks and asking for small things to gain my confidence and learn I could.

I’m inspired to write this because I was shown again how far I’ve come. I got off the phone with someone who I’ve given a position of power in my life. I had been feeling unsupported, unappreciated, and undervalued. I felt like I wasn’t being heard. While I still vented about it to people in my life, I decided I didn’t want to vent to anyone anymore. I wanted to leave the conversation with this person feeling support, heard, and valued. In the end, it didn’t matter their response, it mattered that I DID IT. 

A year ago, I would have called 5 people asking them to role play the conversation. I would have lost sleep the night before because I would have played out every scenario possible in my head to be ready for whatever was said. This time, this is how it went:

1. I asked for 5 minutes of their time.
2. I said how I felt.
3. I asked for what I needed.
4. I told them what I wanted moving forward.
5. There was silence, an apology, and then we moved on.

I left the conversation feeling heard. I hope things change, and if they don’t, that’s okay too. I know I have it in me to say what I need to say, to not take it personally, and to be a leader in my life.

Communication is key for successful relationships, including the one with yourself. I have learned the tools and practices to understand what triggers me, what they mean, what needs aren’t being met, how to communicate them to others, and most importantly, how to fill them myself. I’d love to help you with that too.

So, I’ll leave you with this simple practice:

1. What are you feeling?
2. What happened to trigger it?
3. What needs are not being met of yours?
4. What could be done to help you feel like your needs are being met?

Write it down. Practice using “I” statements. Have a conversation.

Start small. Have important conversations out of love. You are allowed to have needs, your are allowed to voice your needs, and you are allowed to meet you needs.

Using your voice empowers yourself and gives others permission to use theirs. It’s time to speak up, ask for what you need, and know, you are enough. A first step in finding your worth, value, self-trust, confidence, and self-respect is by finding your voice and using it. Are you ready to take the first step?

Strength & Being Outrageously Open.

I took a jump. I took a big jump. A jump where my feet never left the floor and my heart soared. I took a jump and decided to build my wings on the way down.

Actually, I took a jump to see my wings were already there. They were coiled up, wrinkled, unused, and shaky, and they were still there. They needed a chance to spread out, show their beauty, and show that even though they were shaky, they were strong. Strength doesn’t mean never falling or failing, strength means that we allow ourselves to fall and fail. We allow our muscles to tear and our hearts to break so that they can rebuild stronger than before. Strength is feeling. Period. Feeling the sadness, grief, hope, joy, sorrow, doubt, anxiety, and love and choosing to feel all of these things plus everything in between.

Strength is being open to what life brings and then seeing where it takes you.

Living is being strong. Strong is being open. Open is living in truth, hope, and trust. Strength is exhilarating, scary,  and vulnerable. Strength allows us to experience life and being alive to its fullest.

In the past few months, I felt my strength blossoming and my wings growing. I’ve also doubted that my wings could carry me where I want them to, and other times, I questioned if my wings were even there. That’s what living. It’s diving into the unknown even when you have doubts and uncertainty. We all have doubts and question if we are capable. We go on because we have to and then we learn what we are made of. I have spoken to many parents who go into parenthood without a clue of what to do. They raise beautiful, successful, compassionate children. They question themselves everyday, but still have to show up regardless. They wear their wings regardless of how mangled they feel at times.

We can show up for others, especially dependents, friends, family…so, let me ask you this? When’s the last time you showed up for yourself? Where you questioned your strength and ability and did it anyway? This is not a rhetorical question. I want you to speak it and share it. We have done so many things regardless of the fear and doubt we have. LOOK AT THAT STRENGTH! Now, take that, do it again, and show yourself what you’re capable of. Other people can tell you about your strength, but until you see it for yourself, you’ll never believe them.

 

Higher Ground

I just finished a run, inspired and full of love. Many times I use running as a mechanism for inspiration. Inspiration pours through me and into me as I move my body. Perspiration for inspiration! (I’m going to copy right that!)

I listened to Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday as I ran on Mercy and Forgiveness. It is about a lawyer, Bryan Stevenson, who helps free people from death row. He said a quote that really resonated with me…”It is only when they can stand on higher ground, I can stand on higher ground.”

I stopped mid stride to write that quote down as goose bumps went up and down my body. I consider this a truth.

I don’t work with death row inmates, one day I hope to. I work with every day people. I work with the moms who are struggling with their identity, the recent graduates who struggle with the expectation that life/society has put on them, athletes tapping into their potential, former athletes who are redefining themselves, the men who want to be emotionally vulnerable and accepted, people who are questioning identity, who they are, and their purpose. I work with women who have been shamed for their bodies and struggle with body image. I work with people who struggle with confidence and self-worth. Teens who are trying to fit in, do what is right, and explore who they are all at the same time. And, everyone in between. (If you haven’t found yourself in one of these statements, then please reach out to me you, unicorn, you!)

Listening to that podcast, what stood out to me was this:

We are all in it. We all have to do the work. When one of us does the work and shares it, we uplift the others around us. When we talk about our stories, our struggles, our triumphs, we are telling the world not to be ashamed. We are telling each other to persevere.We are not the mistakes we’ve made. We may have made mistakes, but we are not a mistake.  We are not our successes. Our worth is not based on scale number, age, income, or how many houses you have. It is not how much you can squat or deadlift or how fast you can run a mile. It is not how good you look in a bikini or how many likes you have on your Facebook page. We are good. We are love. We are enough. We are worthy. We are human. As we accept that, as we work through our limitations and stories, we move to higher ground. We can only stay at higher ground if we help those around us move to higher ground. We are all connected and in this life together. Our only advancement happens together.

How do we do that?

Be kind. Share your journey. Do a random act of kindness. Listen to someone’s story. Offer compassion and grace. Learn who you are. Accept who you are. Be open to being wrong and seeing the world through different eyes. Get curious. Ask questions. Love without condition. Forgive, because you deserve it. When you get, give. Love yourself.

Action steps to take today:

• Seek to understand before being understood.  Look at some conflict in your life and begin asking questions. Can you have compassion and see their point of view? What needs of theirs and yours is not being met?
• Talk to a stranger. Listen to their story, ask questions, be open.
• Share your story with someone.
• Ask for help.
• Meditate for 5-10 minutes.
• Journal about your experiences of the day. What are you learning in life right now?
• Write yourself a love letter.

On this Monday, how can you stand on higher ground and how can you help other’s do the same? As a community, we can stand higher together.

Peace, Love, and Amity,

Jillie

 

#selfloveselfiesunday 3 Lessons of Archery to Help You Succeed in Life.

Happy Sunday!

Yesterday, I went to the archery range for the first time. And, let me tell you, I wasn’t bad. I wasn’t good. But, I wasn’t bad.

My hands were shaking a little and even when I had laser focus on the target, my arrow never came closer than three feet away. Each shot, I had to adjust and change. I had to learn my bow and the untuned arrows. I was no Katniss Everdeen.

As time went on, I realized the importance of my posture, breath, and focused mind. With my shoulders band and my head high, I shot the with more power. As I held my breath when I released the bow, my accuracy was better. With a mind only focused on the target, I was able to stay consistent and closer to my intended shot.

Enough archery talk, I hope you’re following me as I am about to parallel that to life…

1. Have Good Posture: With my head held high and my shoulders back, I greet the world. I walk into the world instead of the world walking into me. I have the confidence and understanding of my power. As I show up in the world as my truest, freest self, the world shows up for me. How? In relationships, opportunities, miracles, freedom, joy, laughter, and depth. I could give example after example the differences in my life when I recognize my power, but I’ll save that for a different day (stay tuned!).
2. Get in tune with your breath: I have become in tune with my body and my breath. While in archery, I held my breath to have a steady shot, in life I realize the importance of my breath. On days and moments of high anxiety, I feel my breath shorten and stay in my chest. I feel the tension as it manifests in tight muscles, headaches, faster heart rate, and high anxiety. These symptoms are clues to breathe deeper and step back. Being in tune with my breath has allowed me access to my strength and stress reduction. Our bodies are constantly communicating with us. They are telling us what we need to know, so we need to get quiet and listen.
3. Have laser focus: Sometimes we have a bullseye to focus on. Other times we have a general area we are aiming for. Either way, our best bet is to keep our eye on the target, tune out the distractions around us, and focus solely on what we are shooting for. There will ALWAYS be distractions. I know the word “always” can be controversial and I am using it with confidence here. Laundry never goes away, dishes never disappear, other people won’t stop calling to talk or need your help, work will need/want/ask for more, bills will continue to come, the sun will rise and set, and time does not stop. There will come a time where that bullseye is important enough to make time for. You will feel this longing, craving, hoping, and burning for that target, whatever it is. The good and bad news, is it’s up to YOU. No one else can do it for you and it will never go away.

I am writing this from experience. I know. I know what it’s like to want something or to long for something more. I know what it’s like to have a bullseye, put up my metaphoric bow several times, only to take it down because someone else needed me. Or, because that voice inside my head told me I couldn’t. Or, because time, money, and energy ran out. Or, because I would wait for the “right” time. Spoiler alert: there will NEVER be a right time.

And, now, I have learned that my desire and burning and calling for that bullseye never goes away. I realized that my personal bullseye gets brighter and more enticing because it’s what I truly want. And with this realization, I am learning how to get laser focused and tune out the distractions. It isn’t easy, not one bit. And, it’s worth every second of it. Everyday, I’m getting closer to my bullseye and everyday I’m learning more about myself.

I love my ability to focus and commit. I love my passion and desire to help others find their joy, love, and passion. And, I love the fact that I tried archery.

If you are sitting here, reading this and know what your bullseye is but are too afraid, scared, nervous, or don’t know how to get it, reach out. That’s what I do and that’s why I’m here. I have done it myself and I’ve, most likely, been in your shoes. Sometimes we need someone to be in our corner and help us see the power in ourselves.

What do you love about you?

#selfloveselfiesunday What is the “Freest” version of you?

Happy Sunday!

Last night, I had a conversation with a new friend who asked me a profound question.

“If you could wake up tomorrow as the freest version of you, what would that look like? How would your life change?”

I was brought to the question I was asked earlier in the week. If I won the lotto, what would I change about my life? My answer: nothing. I would be less financially stressed, and nothing else would change.

I started answering with financial freedom and then I remembered my experience in Peru. An experience where I thought money solved all problems. I was young and naive. Money created more problems. So, does financial freedom really mean freedom? And, does that mean the freest version of me?

No.

I then thought about my body. If was thinner, stronger, healthier, not injured, longer legs, a six pack, ect. then would I be free? I thought of how many women tear down their bodies and I remembered how I used to do the same. When I weighed 125 lbs with a six pack and could run a mile in 5:42, I still wanted more. I still wasn’t free. So, did freedom mean a perfect body?

No.

My memory brought me back to five years ago, I was laying in bed in Wheaton, Illinois. Tears streamed down my face with a longing to feel loved and seen. This was the night I wrote myself a love letter. This was the night I began to set myself free.

My answer changed to him.

The freest version of me is one that can be loved and seen in my rawness and vulnerability. The freest version of me can show up in all of my beauty and flaws and be unconditionally accepted. Freedom is not only being my truest and authentic self, but also being loved for it. First and foremost, by me and then I hope by others. However, the latter is less important.

Our freedom lies in our hands. The freedom of love, belonging, and acceptance. We hold the key and have to learn how to unlock it.

I’ve been working on this freedom for five years and I continue to work on it daily. The life I lead is beautiful. Full of gratitude, love, adventure, self-discovery, and joy. All of those emotions also have a counterpart: anxiety, worry, insecurity, doubt, pressure, sadness, ect. Both of these lists can go on. Freedom is not making the “bad” go away. Freedom is learning how to live in harmony with both and loving yourself for it all.

I’m learning and understanding the “how”. I want to give it to you too.

I love myself for all my flaws and beauty. I love myself for how I love others and the depth in which I feel and live. My goal on this earth is to give people the tools to give this to themselves.

What do you love about you?

On a hike in Golden, Co as I celebrate my body, my soul, and my freedom in nature.

Your Key to Freedom: A Month of Self-Love (It works!)

Love. A funny, tricky, complicated, and wonderful thing. With love comes strings, expectations, standards, and stories of our past experiences. With love we hope for connection, intimacy, appreciation, inclusion, vulnerability, and wholeness.

Growing up, I had an unhealthy idea of love. After experiencing sexual abuse, my parent’s divorce, and several codependent and unhealthy relationships, it isn’t any wonder why. My definition of love and how I viewed it, continued to attract the same type of love. A love where I thought someone completed me, I thought someone else made my happy, and I thought that love meant sacrificing myself and my happiness for another person. I waited for my knight in shining armor and always left my hair long enough to be saved. I lived everyone else’s expectations of me because I thought that in order to be loved, I had to be perfect.

I’ve never been happier to admit…I WAS WRONG.

I decided to let curiosity drive me and follow my questions of love: what is love? Is there such thing as unconditional love? And, how do you make love stay?

These questions brought me to my independent research and showed me a whole new side of life. Through interviews, reading, and discovery, I found the happiest, most successful people in life, love, and happiness all had a few things in common; they knew they were whole and complete on their own. They knew they had to fill their cup up first so they could fill other’s. They knew to love themselves, first and that was the fullness and wholeness of life. Through loving themselves and filling their needs, they attracted the most loving, amazing relationships and opportunities.

My mind was blown. Something that seemed so simple and straight forward was something I had never thought of. So, through love, I found self-love and that journey has been the game changer.

Now, I’m here to share what I’ve learned. I’m showing up to tell you my why and give you my how.

Everyone is deserving of love and belonging. Everyone has a right to healthy, loving relationships and an environment where they flourish and thrive. Everyone has the right to a full heart and the strength to feel and be exactly where they are. I want everyone to know the freedom of fulfilling their own needs, living their values, and having an unwavering trust in themselves.

It doesn’t mean it is easy. It’s the hardest thing you will ever do. And, it’s the most important thing you will do. We can’t change the world until we change our internal world.

The more I learn in life, the more I realize I don’t know. The universe is filled with wonder and miracles. And yet, I have learned some things I consider to be true:

1. Everything I need is inside of me waiting to be discovered.
2. I don’t need saving or fixing.
3. I am worthy of love and belonging.
4. I am more capable than I will every know.
5. I am enough and I matter.

And, so do you.

During this month of self-love, it is an intensive journey into yourself. You will walk away with tips, tools, and exercises to develop your relationship to self. It’s vulnerable and scary AND WORTH IT. We can only give what we are, so look deep inside and see what you’re ready for. What do you stand for? What do you want out of life? What makes life worth living to you? Let’s bring it out.

You are a masterpiece. Every color, stroke, and detail is perfectly placed and fills its purpose of wholeness. All of the colors, light and dark, create that beautiful masterpiece of you. It’s time to showcase it.

Peace, Love, Amity,

Jillie

 

 

77309684

6501590055096755

#selfloveselfiesunday Do Something Awesome Today.

Happy Sunday! This weekend was full of internal adventure and exploration as I attended a NonViolent Communication Workshop with others who value communication, connection, and growth.

This weekend, we talked about things going on in our life and identified our feelings, and more importantly, our needs. Our feelings arise from met or unmet needs and if we can identify them, it gives us a clue into what’s important to us.

Our trainer told us to get curious about the emotions that come up. When we have judgments, criticisms, and blame, to welcome it and ask questions. These questions give us the opportunity to identify our needs and then ask for them. MIND BLOWN.

And, I also realized, it’s okay to have needs. It’s okay to be human and to want these amazing qualities in my life.

I love my ability to meet my own needs, to take personal responsibility for my feelings, and know that I matter.

What do you love about you?

#selfloveselfiesunday Making room for an angel.

Happy Monday! Yesterday, I had my friend Amanda’s memorial and needed a day to be present and grieve. I thought it would be okay if I celebrated my #selfloveselfiesunday on this snowy Monday in Minneapolis.

Yesterday was both heartbreaking and heart filling. People from all over flew in. Amanda only had the highest caliber of people in her life and the opportunity to meet some of them, filled me up.

As we left last night, the snow fell in big flakes. The silence that is only brought by snow lingered. I dropped down and made a snow angel. I created the space for another angel in my life and gave her a beautiful space to lay.

Each day, I’m open to little miracles and everyday, I see them. Between getting little happiness presents, having amazing interactions, getting on an earlier flight when it should be impossible, finding strength on days when I don’t have it, and amazing opportunities popping up out of nowhere, I feel my angel here.

This week, I also booked an incredible speaking gig with a Fortune 500 company for their Vice Presidents and Directors. Heck yeah! What do you say when something excites you and scares you to death? You say…YES!

I love how I see miracles in my everyday. I love how I say yes to things that scare me. I love that I see my worth and value, now more than ever. I love the life I’ve created. I am so in love with life itself.

What do you love about you? What do you love about your life? And, if there aren’t a few things that pop up in your mind right away, what are you waiting for? Reach out.

#selfloveselfiesunday Learning By Living.

This past week, I lost one of my very best friends. I have gone on to her Facebook page multiple times a day to see a new part of her life, read about a new person she has touched, and see pictures of memories she’s created. I’ve read books and quotes that remind me of her. I’ve laughed. And, I’ve cried…a lot. As I reread her blog posts, Instagram, and see her hashtags #learningbyliving, I remember that is what she truly believed. We learn by living. And, what better way to learn by living then grieve one of the most beautiful souls.

As I reflect on my week and mourn, the lesson and learning in all of this has been hard to come by. And, I know that part of my grieving process is to learn, grow, and use this to better the world. I know that’s what she would want.

Here are my learnings and gratitude of one of the hardest weeks of my life:

1. Feel. Let myself feel. When people ask if I’m okay, it’s okay to say no. It’s okay to cry and be vulnerable.
2. I never understood loss until this moment. I haven’t been there for many people in my life who have lost people they’ve loved because I had never felt the depth of emotions that I do now. I now can relate to people on a deeper level and connect with them. I can love them. This is what Amanda did best and this is the gift she is giving me.
3. I realize how deeply I can love. The grief and pain I have felt is only because of the depth of love I have for her. We cannot have light without dark. We cannot have good without evil. For we would not know one without the other. Amanda loved. She loved with her whole being and loved to depth most people will never know. She has given this gift to love more deeply on a level I never knew how.

This doesn’t make me less sad. It doesn’t make her death okay. It allows me to be and continue to live her legacy.

I love my ability to love. I love my ability to have awareness and allow myself to be as I am.

What do you love about you?

#selfloveselfiesunday My Sister…

#selfloveselfiesunday Happy Sunday! This weekend my sister came to town. Her first visit, and if I do say so myself, I think it was a success. With good company, beautiful sights, and a lot of laughter, how could it be anything but great.

We realized that in our whole sisterhood, we had never spent 48 hours straight, alone together. I learned about the woman she is becoming and the amazing adult she has turned into. I looked at her in awe much of the weekend. I watched how she acted, interacted, and the wit and humor that brought laughter to everyone around. I’m so proud of her.

I also saw how similar we are with our attention attracting, loud voices, and no-filter mouths with big hearts and generous spirits.

Jacey, I love how authentically you, you are. You are unapologetically you and you inspire other people to be the same way. Your laughter is contagious and your wit and sense of humor is one of a kind. I’m so lucky you are my sister.

I love how I am also authentically myself and unapologetically myself. I may be the only one dressed up as a Christmas Tree at a Christmas Party or the only one dancing in the moonlight, but I own it and love it.

What do you love about you?